Tag: anxiety
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Tracking reveals truth
Further to my last post about my endo asking for a week’s logging of carb intake — I get more unsettling clarity. I’ve condensed this to just show fast-acting insulin shots for carbs and corrections. My usual diet is no breakfast, a homemade egg mcmuffin (English muffin, 1 egg, mayo, bacon), a big green salad…
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Great one day, lousy the next — What gives?
About a month ago, my endocrinologist asked me to keep notes each day on my carb consumption so he or associates can get a better track on my glucose numbers. At the time, they were looking at my glucose history through Clarity, the online history of Dexcom — the continuous glucose monitor I use. At…
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Today’s illnesses have roots in the past
On this whole healing journey, I’ve tried to remain conscious of how current behaviours affect my physical/emotional health. Because, as you may know by now, I believe our bodies and minds are connected. If I’m unwell emotionally, it shows up in my body. It’s no coincidence that I suffer from anxiety/depression as well as type…
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When adults regress to child behaviour
This week I revisited my youth, at least emotionally. I’ve been thinking about regression lately, spurred by reviewing ideas put forward by John Lee in his excellent book, “>Grow Yourself Back Up, and I’ve been looking for instances where I’ve returned to child-like attitudes or behaviour. It happened — no surprise — at work. Our…
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Hi, my name is not Gail
My neighbours have been calling me Gail for months, and I’ve been putting off setting them straight. When they moved in last summer, the man — who I think is named Steve — told me he has mild dementia. So it shouldn’t be surprising that when introductions were made, something went sideways. “Good morning, Gail!…
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“I remember your work”
I was raised to be small, to avoid the spotlight and be modest about my accomplishments. The worst character flaw in my mother’s eyes was conceit, so I’ve lived most of my life in the shadows, or so I thought. Something happened this week that made me realize that others don’t share my self-deprecating view…
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Thank God for Dogs
Today I awoke to news that my little rescue dog Pete is of champion lineage — a distant cousin named Buddy Holly won the “best in show” at Westminster Dog Show last night. When I drove all the way from B.C. to California in November, I’m sure a few friends thought me nuts. But my…
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An excerpt from my memoir, Lovesick
The good thing about being home is the free camping spot, complete with a bathroom, laundry and electrical connections. The bad thing is I’m forced to look at this house that I’ve grown to hate. It continues to get showings but these people are just looking and not buying. I’m happy to return to regular…
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A taboo subject, and it’s a crying shame
My grandfather Many families avoid talking about feelings. They distract with humour, talk sports, drink booze or just avoid each other when emotions are strong. Solitude can be your only companion when terrible things happen. While it’s tempting to call on a family member at times like this, you just know you’re not going to…
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A triumphant return to fasting
I haven’t fasted since I was in hospital two months ago, mainly because I lacked confidence to mess with the status quo. I’ve been scared. Years ago, I fasted while balancing long- and short-term insulin. Still, now I feel unsure. That stint in hospital really scared me. Jardiance was the culprit this time — I…
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Emotional trip-wires
I tell myself I can’t feel buried emotions — they’re trapped underneath an avalanche of denial, unworthiness, habitual avoidance. I’m stuck with the residual effects of prolonged blocking of sadness, anger, frustration, grief. These effects of saying “NO!” to emotions has taken over my body. The amping up of my hormonal system has thrown my…
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Unpacking the baggage of childhood
What old emotions have you been lugging around since childhood? This week, I’m reminded that parts of my emotional self haven’t grown up at all. I’m easily triggered to feel shame, guilt and humiliation even when things gone wrong have nothing to do with me. Children are narcissists: They think many bad things that happen…
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What is this madness?
I know it’s supposed to be a wonderful addition to my depleted system, but today I swear my long-acting insulin Levemir tried to do me in. First off, you need to understand that I ate cheesecake yesterday and my blood sugar was a little higher overnight as a result. I love cheesecake and feel it’s…
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Why am I so defensive with doctors?
It’s a good question, and one that prompts an epiphany: How would it be if I could work collaboratively doctors on the disease that’s present in my body? How would it be if I didn’t argue with every suggestion presented to me? Why do I want to shut down whenever a guy in a white…
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Navigating health issues, the revival of a creative project and a lost ID
I guess the good news is I’m still taking the long-acting insulin, Basaglar. I also haven’t gained a ton of weight. I’m trying to be a good diabetic. That last bout of ketoacidosis and subsequent visit to the intensive care unit straightened out my attitude. For now. The bad news is it’s making me break…
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Little mysteries
Having a Dexcom continuous glucose monitor (or similar device) opens up a window into your body’s reactions to all sorts of things. In my case, I see little bumps of glucose that come alongside pulses of deep stress. These bumps are worth noting, and I try to align them with what I was doing or…
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Getting the right kind of attention.
I have a couple seemingly random topics that may not be as disparate as I first thought. These are both part of how I’m processing my recent health crisis. And I don’t know if this is normal, but now my physical issues are somewhat resolved, I am grappling with the emotional side of recovery. My…
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Diabetes brings me to hospital
The diabetes journey has its unexpected twists and turns, and this weekend I found myself in the intensive care unit suffering from a potentially deadly complication, diabetic ketoacidosis (DKA). In retrospect, I can see how things may have gone wrong. I had good intentions in resisting long-acting insulin, seeing it as a sure-fire way to…
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“I didn’t know any better”
I’m watching cold case shows on a streaming service. The cases feature interviews with people who witnessed crimes, often domestic abuse, when they were children. A drunk dad beats up a mom, then later apologizes and they make up again. This cycle becomes normal in the household until Dad kills Mom. Children, the innocent witnesses,…
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I had a panic attack
I think a panic attack is the only way to describe my reaction to yesterday’s virtual doctor’s appointment. I didn’t fall apart on the outside, but man, inside I was freaking out. I somehow had the idea that the doctor or his assistant would say something positive about my blood tests — but all I…
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Changes are a-coming
Haven’t been posting much because my work is currently draining my energy every day. But that will soon change, as within the next month I’ll be moving to a less physically taxing and more collaborative job at the retail store. I’m hoping it means I’ll have a little bit of energy in store at the…
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Workplace conflict evokes spaghetti memories
As you can see from the previous post, I’ve done years of work trying to connect my past with my present, linking current behaviours with my what’s happened to me in childhood. Something happened yesterday that shows that…maybe…my brain is getting rewired. My emotions, like the difficult one of anger, are linked to earlier events…
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Going old school with bathroom scales
Remember those doctor’s scales where you couldn’t cheat on your body weight? Those annoying weights, a big one and little one, slid along the bar until the tip dropped, then you had to edge them back until the tip floated in space in the middle of a metal square. I had one of those a…
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The discomfort of leadership
I’ve never felt like a leader, preferring instead to let others go to the forefront while I offer support from the rear. I’m taking a lead in something I’m calling Emotional Diabetes, and in this role I often feel uncomfortable, self-conscious and alone. Who am I to forge into the daunting field of medical diagnoses?…
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A fresh start…and trusting fate
This whole week between Christmas and New Year feels like “Hurry Up and Wait.” Now it’s over. Happy New Years Day to all of you. Now we can get on with 2023, and all that that entails. I’m feeling quite positive, what with my upgrade to full-time work at my retail outlet and a change…
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Time to move on
I got through Christmas, but I seem to have lost knowledge on formatting my blog, so please forgive me for the ugly layout. (On the the other hand, I can’t seem to navigate WordPress like I did before, so maybe there’s an update or something else messing me up.) I received a Christmas gift from…
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The worst time of the year
Not to be a downer but Christmas isn’t a great season for a lot of people. I’m one of them. I have a job where I see lots of men wandering, lost, in the cosmetic department. I find it so touching when a man struggles to buy a woman eye shadow. I assure them that…
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The power of being heard
There’s a seismic shift that happens in me when someone says, “I hear you, I believe you. I know what you say is the truth.” At the same time, there’s a destructive power that can shred a soul when we feel we’re not believed, when someone talks over us and clearly doesn’t want to hear…
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How do you measure your self-worth?
I’m asking you to stand way back and reflect on opportunities you have each day to turn a negative reaction into a positive one. I see my day as a series of events, and how I react to those events often affects my mood and ways I see myself. I start the day pulling socks…