emotional diabetes
Emotions can cause diabetes and other illnesses
Sandra McCulloch explores hidden emotions that make you sick, and it’s a pretty interesting ride.
Sandra, a newspaper reporter for 27 years, now investigates buried stress.
Latest stories
Fraud of the elderly hits home
I mentioned Mary in a recent post. I want to share a bit of her ongoing drama in hopes I can raise awareness of how vulnerable lonely old people can be. Mary (not her real name) met Janet (again, not her real name) years ago, maybe as many as 30 years ago. They worked together…
Another birthday, another amazing revelation
On Sept. 4, Labour Day, I turned 64. I booked the week off as vacation and looked for last-minute cancellations at campgrounds. I prefer to camp once families have taken their kids home to prepare for school — not that I have anything against kids playing, but the noise doesn’t help me relax. I need…
A mysterious downturn in glucose has me puzzled
For no reason I can grasp, my blood sugar took a dive for a few days this week. Instead of being in a normal range 40% of the time, this week I’m at 60% over 7 days. On Aug. 22, I reached an astounding 84% of time within a healthy…
Tracking reveals truth
Further to my last post about my endo asking for a week’s logging of carb intake — I get more unsettling clarity. I’ve condensed this to just show fast-acting insulin shots for carbs and corrections. My usual diet is no breakfast, a homemade egg mcmuffin (English muffin, 1 egg, mayo, bacon), a big green salad…
Great one day, lousy the next — What gives?
About a month ago, my endocrinologist asked me to keep notes each day on my carb consumption so he or associates can get a better track on my glucose numbers. At the time, they were looking at my glucose history through Clarity, the online history of Dexcom — the continuous glucose monitor I use. At…
The link between trauma and autoimmune disease — a personal tale
Do you know anyone who experienced childhood emotional neglect/trauma and then, later, got sick from cancer or some other autoimmune disease? Or are you aware of people who suffered medical trauma or an accident and then, after a while, got seriously sick? Is it just bad luck or is there a link between trauma and…
Going solo, but why?
Recently I’ve been recalling romantic relationships I’ve had over my life. Of course, there’s an amount of anger and shame involved as I look back, but I tend to direct blame at myself. That’s what I’ve been trained to do. Anger at others doesn’t come easily when I can beat myself up. I’m learning to…
Today’s illnesses have roots in the past
On this whole healing journey, I’ve tried to remain conscious of how current behaviours affect my physical/emotional health. Because, as you may know by now, I believe our bodies and minds are connected. If I’m unwell emotionally, it shows up in my body. It’s no coincidence that I suffer from anxiety/depression as well as type…
When adults regress to child behaviour
This week I revisited my youth, at least emotionally. I’ve been thinking about regression lately, spurred by reviewing ideas put forward by John Lee in his excellent book, “>Grow Yourself Back Up, and I’ve been looking for instances where I’ve returned to child-like attitudes or behaviour. It happened — no surprise — at work. Our…
Hi, my name is not Gail
My neighbours have been calling me Gail for months, and I’ve been putting off setting them straight. When they moved in last summer, the man — who I think is named Steve — told me he has mild dementia. So it shouldn’t be surprising that when introductions were made, something went sideways. “Good morning, Gail!…
“I remember your work”
I was raised to be small, to avoid the spotlight and be modest about my accomplishments. The worst character flaw in my mother’s eyes was conceit, so I’ve lived most of my life in the shadows, or so I thought. Something happened this week that made me realize that others don’t share my self-deprecating view…
Thank God for Dogs
Today I awoke to news that my little rescue dog Pete is of champion lineage — a distant cousin named Buddy Holly won the “best in show” at Westminster Dog Show last night. When I drove all the way from B.C. to California in November, I’m sure a few friends thought me nuts. But my…
An excerpt from my memoir, Lovesick
The good thing about being home is the free camping spot, complete with a bathroom, laundry and electrical connections. The bad thing is I’m forced to look at this house that I’ve grown to hate. It continues to get showings but these people are just looking and not buying. I’m happy to return to regular…
A taboo subject, and it’s a crying shame
My grandfather Many families avoid talking about feelings. They distract with humour, talk sports, drink booze or just avoid each other when emotions are strong. Solitude can be your only companion when terrible things happen. While it’s tempting to call on a family member at times like this, you just know you’re not going to…
A triumphant return to fasting
I haven’t fasted since I was in hospital two months ago, mainly because I lacked confidence to mess with the status quo. I’ve been scared. Years ago, I fasted while balancing long- and short-term insulin. Still, now I feel unsure. That stint in hospital really scared me. Jardiance was the culprit this time — I…
Emotional trip-wires
I tell myself I can’t feel buried emotions — they’re trapped underneath an avalanche of denial, unworthiness, habitual avoidance. I’m stuck with the residual effects of prolonged blocking of sadness, anger, frustration, grief. These effects of saying “NO!” to emotions has taken over my body. The amping up of my hormonal system has thrown my…
Unpacking the baggage of childhood
What old emotions have you been lugging around since childhood? This week, I’m reminded that parts of my emotional self haven’t grown up at all. I’m easily triggered to feel shame, guilt and humiliation even when things gone wrong have nothing to do with me. Children are narcissists: They think many bad things that happen…
When does a lack of stress cause stress?
Awareness is a great thing. It highlights issues that may go unnoticed unless you repeatedly check in with how you’re doing. Often just noting a low level of stress can make it go away, or at least seem less noticeable. But what if an unusual silence raises alarms? I noticed yesterday that my dog-shadow Pete…
What is this madness?
I know it’s supposed to be a wonderful addition to my depleted system, but today I swear my long-acting insulin Levemir tried to do me in. First off, you need to understand that I ate cheesecake yesterday and my blood sugar was a little higher overnight as a result. I love cheesecake and feel it’s…
Why am I so defensive with doctors?
It’s a good question, and one that prompts an epiphany: How would it be if I could work collaboratively doctors on the disease that’s present in my body? How would it be if I didn’t argue with every suggestion presented to me? Why do I want to shut down whenever a guy in a white…
Navigating health issues, the revival of a creative project and a lost ID
I guess the good news is I’m still taking the long-acting insulin, Basaglar. I also haven’t gained a ton of weight. I’m trying to be a good diabetic. That last bout of ketoacidosis and subsequent visit to the intensive care unit straightened out my attitude. For now. The bad news is it’s making me break…
When fear is overwhelming…
Two days ago, while at my workplace, I had to deal with intensive fear after someone set fire to stock. Shoppers and staff evacuated the store, and then I and my colleagues were sent home. I didn’t feel the fear. It went underground, it was that intense. But I had a memory that playing over…
Little mysteries
Having a Dexcom continuous glucose monitor (or similar device) opens up a window into your body’s reactions to all sorts of things. In my case, I see little bumps of glucose that come alongside pulses of deep stress. These bumps are worth noting, and I try to align them with what I was doing or…
Getting the right kind of attention.
I have a couple seemingly random topics that may not be as disparate as I first thought. These are both part of how I’m processing my recent health crisis. And I don’t know if this is normal, but now my physical issues are somewhat resolved, I am grappling with the emotional side of recovery. My…
Diabetes brings me to hospital
The diabetes journey has its unexpected twists and turns, and this weekend I found myself in the intensive care unit suffering from a potentially deadly complication, diabetic ketoacidosis (DKA). In retrospect, I can see how things may have gone wrong. I had good intentions in resisting long-acting insulin, seeing it as a sure-fire way to…
“I didn’t know any better”
I’m watching cold case shows on a streaming service. The cases feature interviews with people who witnessed crimes, often domestic abuse, when they were children. A drunk dad beats up a mom, then later apologizes and they make up again. This cycle becomes normal in the household until Dad kills Mom. Children, the innocent witnesses,…
I had a panic attack
I think a panic attack is the only way to describe my reaction to yesterday’s virtual doctor’s appointment. I didn’t fall apart on the outside, but man, inside I was freaking out. I somehow had the idea that the doctor or his assistant would say something positive about my blood tests — but all I…
Changes are a-coming
Haven’t been posting much because my work is currently draining my energy every day. But that will soon change, as within the next month I’ll be moving to a less physically taxing and more collaborative job at the retail store. I’m hoping it means I’ll have a little bit of energy in store at the…
Workplace conflict evokes spaghetti memories
As you can see from the previous post, I’ve done years of work trying to connect my past with my present, linking current behaviours with my what’s happened to me in childhood. Something happened yesterday that shows that…maybe…my brain is getting rewired. My emotions, like the difficult one of anger, are linked to earlier events…
What I’ve done — a list
In preparing for a first consultation with a new doctor, I prepared for the usual questions. I thought they’d like to know what I’ve done so far to better my emotional/physical health. So I made a list. Turns out, they weren’t interested, but I think a few of you just might want to know some…
Who is really helping you?
I have been binge-watching reality shows that chronicle emergency-room services, seeing people caught in crime or happenstance going through lifesaving treatment. Some die. Most featured on these shows live, sometimes to the amazement of the doctors who treated them. Part of the appeal is seeing strangers help other strangers. Part of it is seeing ego…
Do you ever think you think too much?
It’s a question I’ve heard a few times, most recently today. It usually is a response to me chattering about blood glucose surges and how my pancreas came to be destroyed by sub-surface anxiety. An older woman I work with listens politely but when I appear to go off the rails (fight or flight…cortisol kicks…
Going old school with bathroom scales
Remember those doctor’s scales where you couldn’t cheat on your body weight? Those annoying weights, a big one and little one, slid along the bar until the tip dropped, then you had to edge them back until the tip floated in space in the middle of a metal square. I had one of those a…
The discomfort of leadership
I’ve never felt like a leader, preferring instead to let others go to the forefront while I offer support from the rear. I’m taking a lead in something I’m calling Emotional Diabetes, and in this role I often feel uncomfortable, self-conscious and alone. Who am I to forge into the daunting field of medical diagnoses?…
A fresh start…and trusting fate
This whole week between Christmas and New Year feels like “Hurry Up and Wait.” Now it’s over. Happy New Years Day to all of you. Now we can get on with 2023, and all that that entails. I’m feeling quite positive, what with my upgrade to full-time work at my retail outlet and a change…
Time to move on
I got through Christmas, but I seem to have lost knowledge on formatting my blog, so please forgive me for the ugly layout. (On the the other hand, I can’t seem to navigate WordPress like I did before, so maybe there’s an update or something else messing me up.) I received a Christmas gift from…
The worst time of the year
Not to be a downer but Christmas isn’t a great season for a lot of people. I’m one of them. I have a job where I see lots of men wandering, lost, in the cosmetic department. I find it so touching when a man struggles to buy a woman eye shadow. I assure them that…
The power of being heard
There’s a seismic shift that happens in me when someone says, “I hear you, I believe you. I know what you say is the truth.” At the same time, there’s a destructive power that can shred a soul when we feel we’re not believed, when someone talks over us and clearly doesn’t want to hear…
Semi-fasted as a way of life
Our bodies are amazing. They’re like those new-fangled cars where we don’t really understand how they work but we’re glad they get us from A to B. It’s only when something goes wrong that we need some help. That help is available for your fancy car at a nearby garage. But fixing your body is…
New shoes for a smooth road
I’m completing my first week of full-time work in retail, at the store I’ve worked at for 16 months part-time. I’m still processing how my recent attempt to move to a federal government at-home position went wrong, and how returning to my other job gave me a much-needed soft landing. I needed more money, since…
Life without a CGM
In short, this past while without my Dexcom continuous glucose meter has been both peaceful and scary. For the most part, I have other things to think about and I often forget to check my glucose with a finger poke. There are no alarms to alert me to highs and lows, and there’s a peaceful…
My extended-fasting diary and aftermath
Day 1 — Saturday, Dec. 3, 2022 Starting wgt 165.6 lbs Here are some tips and survival tactics to get through a fast. The first thing is determination. Believe you can do it. I have tentative plans to complete a seven day fast but will listen to my body and change if necessary. I need…
Diary of an Extended Fast – Introduction
I need to fast right now. Not next week, not tomorrow. Right now. I’ve just gone (am still going through) a tremendously emotional time, but I can’t let transitory feelings get in the way of my physical health. I’m going to share my experience with you, and frankly that’s a little scary. But doing what’s…
Riding the waves of an avalanche
I’ve had a shitload of emotional stuff to navigate over the last eight days, but I’ve been aware of my body’s responses and tried to be kind to myself, and in the end of this ordeal, I think I’ll be happier and emotionally healthier. My neighbour Evelyn’s death was a shock, absolutely. Her son and…
The discomfort of being in the spotlight
Yesterday a CBC camera guy was in my house with multiple lights and a huge camera aimed at me while I talked to a reporter (via Facetime) about diabetes. First, I have to say that I HATE talking about diabetes because I always feel I’m terrible at managing it. Cue the shame and self-blame. The…
A death too close to home
My neighbour Evelyn died last evening. She’d been feeling unwell for a couple days. I’d planned to drive her to a medical appointment yesterday but she cancelled, fearing she’d collapse. I’ve been driving her to errands and appointments for awhile now. But mostly, I’d pop in just to visit with her. She was 12 years…
What is strength?
To be truthful, that last post about my dad’s death knocked me flat for a few days. I’ve told the story many times before but never has it flowed so freely. It seemed to come from another place — I was merely the conduit. I’ve read it a few times and wondered how I gained…
What “too much drama” really means
They say death brings out the worst in families. Or maybe it’s just my experience that prompts me to say that. As you can see from his photo, my dad was a kind and loving man. Even though he died in 2008, I still feel his soft, loving presence. He avoided conflict. He didn’t like…
Physician, heal thyself of what you were taught about diabetes
I had to go to a walk-in clinic the other day. Like many these days, I don’t have a family doctor. The one I saw previously, and only had for a couple years, retired. My old family doctor never really knew what to do with me. Any reference I made to an emotional element in…
Make it easy to do the right thing
Way back when I was learning to ride horses, I learned the adage that when you ride, you’re either training or you’re untraining your horse. Okay, I have to clarify — I started riding lessons at age 38, and then bought a horse, then another. I found homes for my horses before I sold my…
Comfort in sharing?
I’m exploring my reluctance to share these blog posts with my Facebook friends. Normally I only share these posts with my Facebook group, Emotional Diabetes. I shared my post on getting a new dog from California on the main site because many of my Facebook friends have known me a long time. They may remember…
Assuming you’re alone
I’m in the middle of a week of intensive, virtual training for my new job, and everything seems complicated, especially the program where I input my hours so I can get paid. The class consists of adults from across western Canada. We mainly listen in silence as the instructor reads from a Powerpoint presentation, and…
Managing fear/panic
My recent drive from Nanaimo, BC to Fresno, California and back home again — over three days — required a lot of night driving. I haven’t had reason to drive at night over the last few years, let alone drive in drizzle, and sometimes sleet, alongside semi-trucks on curvy, mountainous interstate highways. I think anyone…
This may sound crazy….
But I just drove to Fresno, California to pick up a dog from a rescue. Three days of driving from Nanaimo, BC (12 hours the first day, 13 hours on the second, 10 hours yesterday). This is some serious background on why I would go to such lengths to pick up a dog. There are…
How do you feel?
Sounds like a silly question, but it can get complicated fast. Clearly, if you’ve been reading this blog for awhile (and thank you if you have) you’ll see that I attribute many of my glucose spikes to hidden emotion. The emotions that I hide from myself fall in the spectrum of anger, sadness, grief and…
How am I doing? I think, “Pretty good!”
I never thought I’d be a blogger. I have some experience with WordPress but not a lot. All the options around formatting give me brain-freeze. So that’s why I don’t do anything fancy with my layout. I guess that’s the journalist in me — let the words do the talking. You know how it’s easier…
Crunching numbers for emotional benefits
It occurred to me the other night as I was trying to return to sleep at 2 a.m., that I have, right at my fingertips, an opportunity to make numeric sense of my glucose response. It’s always good when a hunch turns into hard data, whether it’s good news or bad. The Dexcom system includes…
De-escalating conflict
Part 2 in a series on conflict resolution I’m trying to demystify a subject that most people avoid talking about. We live with conflict every day but few of us know how to handle it well, and we pay the price with our mental and physical health. On that basis, it’s worth learning how to…
Sensing small changes
Ever since I realized that unfelt (on the surface) stress responses to an event pitches me into three days of glucose chaos, I vowed to raise my awareness of how I react to small, seemingly minor frustrations. Yesterday, I sensed in the morning a slight disconnection, a small struggle to remember things I knew well…
How to get frustrated — fast!
I just fasted for five days and lost basically nothing. In the past, five days without food would have knocked off seven or eight pounds, but something has changed in my body. I don’t know what it is, but it’s pissing me off. Fasting is how I got down to the low 140s last year,…
Everybody hates conflict — so let’s break it down
Part 1 Having relationships with people, from your spouse to a co-worker to a random driver on the road or the woman who delivers your mail, means there’s a potential for conflict. I’ve seen too much conflict in my life and it’s taken a toll on my body and mental health. Maybe you, too, grind…
Shame on you for feeling guilt!
What’s the difference between guilt and shame? Guilt is feeling bad for something you did. Shame is feeling bad because of who you are. There’s a distinct difference, but the two are often intertwined. Sometimes they’re self-imposed, a habit of reacting to a situation by first taking it personally. And sometimes shame and guilt are…
The masks we wear
When I was in high school, my creative writing teacher — acclaimed Canadian writer Jack Hodgins — asked me to do something strange. I was the first one in class, always, because two of my afternoon classes were in the same room. He put a chair on top of a table and asked me to…
An old friend is new again
I went to my old beach yesterday, the one where I found solace, comfort, entertainment and refuge as a child. I’ve been there a few times over recent weeks and it occurs to me that the new path over a government easement means I’ll be able to forge a new relationship with this bit of…
Logic vs Emotion. Does it have to be one or the other?
There’s a popular notion that some people are logical and others emotional. Do you identify with one or the other? Stuffing your emotions down inside will lead to illness like heart attacks, headaches, ulcers, alcoholism and addictions. In my case, buried emotions elevated my blood glucose to the point I’m diabetic. I had a childhood…
How do you measure your self-worth?
I’m asking you to stand way back and reflect on opportunities you have each day to turn a negative reaction into a positive one. I see my day as a series of events, and how I react to those events often affects my mood and ways I see myself. I start the day pulling socks…
What is self-love? And why is it so elusive?
The most important relationship you’ll ever have is the one you have with yourself. I know that doesn’t make sense — you’re one person, so how can you have a relationship with yourself? Well, there’s you. Then there’s that voice in your head that calls you out over mistakes, raises doubts over your abilities and…
About that blame and shame…
I mentioned in the last post the blame and shame surrounding diabetes, how it’s unlike any other medical condition. Patients are often targeted by media, friends and family for being the victim of their own poor choices. The blame/shame game is part of the emotional issues that can increase your emotional response and heighten your…
A pain in the pants
I was dressing for work this morning when I realized, with dismay, that I forgot to transfer my work clothes from the washer to the dryer. I wear jeans and a white t-shirt to my part-time job at a large retail outlet, and currently I only fit in one pair of jeans. They are size…
Adjusting to change
Gemma and I are both adjusting to the new living room, and one of us appears confused at the changes made. I’m sure, over a couple days, things will settle and perhaps I’ll be forgiven. I brought home a new 75-inch TV yesterday and it became clear that I had no furniture long enough to…
Letting go of an emotional purchase
It came into my life at a difficult time. Twenty years ago, my husband left with my dog, and I struggled to cope. My immediate instinct was to make sense of my environment. I dragged the ex’s old plaid couch/sofa bed outside and lit it on fire. I was impressed at how little was left…
Have you seen my Facebook page called Emotional Diabetes? Check out the links posted there. And of course please follow!
It’s almost as though…
…my childhood playground of the rocks and the beach were a supportive character in my early life and remain so today. The permanence of the glacier-scraped sandstone, the jewels of the tidal pools and the reassurance that the tides will continue to go in and out are all integrated into my soul. My family may…
Routes back to Zen
A couple of things and they may or may not be related. A few days ago, I was making a list of things, people and places I use to calm me down. It’s a good exercise because it gets me thinking of ways to get me settled when I feel unsettled. Usually I just wait…
Managing Emotional Resistance
I’m trying to figure out why I get stuck in thought, stuck in emotion, stuck facing the challenge of asking for help when it’s obvious to everyone else that I need it. The obvious answer is internal resistance, but why is it there? I’m sure at a basic level, resistance keeps us safe. The first…
A little perspective may help
Sometimes we get so close to a problem, we can’t see it clearly. I think that’s how I am with my interest obsession with stress and glucose levels. It occurs to me that this interest obsession may in itself be causing the very stress problem I’m trying to solve. I call up the mantra I…
Death by cheesecake
Sometimes I get tired of telling myself “No.” If I get through one day denying an impulse, it’s back again the next day with the added evil message that since I was so good the day before I really deserve a treat. I used to feel that way about alcohol, but managed to get wise…
Frustration and cravings
Life is full of frustrations. It’s how we deal with them that matters. I’m the first to admit that I don’t handle frustrations like I should. Take today, for instance. I’ve been procrastinating doing a little plumbing work. I am not a plumber, but I’ve seen enough at work that I know it’s not all…
Birth of a memoir & blog
Early on, I displayed a talent for writing. When I was 10 years old, my composition Journey to Marshmallow Planet made the rounds in the staff room. The only detail I recall was the difficulty in landing because space ships kept bouncing off. One teacher noted on a report card: “Sandra has a flair for…
Thank you!
Just a note to thank my 10 subscribers, and those who “liked” a post or two as well. It takes courage to write a personal blog such as this, and your support will encourage me to continue with my posts. Writing comes easy for me, but delving into my vulnerability is hard. And it’s the…
How did I reach the conclusion I have emotional diabetes?
Good question. Thanks for asking. First, a little backgrounder on the known types of diabetes. Type 1 occurs in people whose bodies don’t make enough insulin. It can occur in children or those later in life. Those afflicted often lose weight easily because the body needs to sustain itself through glucose or body fat. T1…
Shame
I watch a lot of TV shows on the universe, and am intrigued by an interstellar material called dark matter. They say it’s everywhere but we can’t see it. It skews what we see through telescopes and throws into question everything we thought we knew about astrophysics. On an emotional level I see an equivalent.…
It’s not our parents’ fault
Attributing blame to one’s parents may be a natural inclination for those suffering from childhood emotional neglect, but it would be misguided. What???? Am I forgetting who threatened to hit me with the wooden spoon (but never did), who banished me to my room because she couldn’t tolerate my emotional outbursts or who failed to…
How would you know if buried stress adversely affects your health?
Most of us know what feelings we have each day, right? Happiness, relief, sadness, shock, frustration, anger. But what about the underlying stuff that’s elusive, that’s deep in the body and denied access to the surface by an overactive mind? An overactive mind can cause its own problems. These three-pound organs of nerve endings can…
You can go home again, but it might hurt
I was restless this morning, finding my life is again at a crossroads. What to do with my day? Not a Netflix day. I didn’t want to see friends. I wanted to be alone with my thoughts, but still stimulated. So I loaded the kayak onto the car and set off for Cedar, a rural…
Where I am now
I only realized I had stress-induced glucose spikes in 2016, after I got a continuous glucose meter (Dexcom). At Christmas of that year, I visited a family friend and she mentioned that one of my siblings had recently dropped by for a visit. Within minutes (the CGM takes measurements every 5 minutes) the alarm on…
Birthday bliss, and then…a glucose spike!
Sept. 5, 2022 I tend to avoid my birthdays by escaping into nature for a period of self-reflection and orienting to nature. Last year, I went into the woods of Vancouver Island to camp near Pye Lake. This year, I followed the logging roads to the west of the highway and found a waterside six-site…
Does the wilderness bring calm or panic?
My awareness of the dynamics of stress responses in my body, the kind that push my blood glucose up, the kind I can’t yet feel consciously but want to so I can heal, emotionally and physically. Last week I drove a friend into the deep woods, away from cell phone signals, two-lane roads and the…
Paddling thru stressful waters
I’ve been alert to my recent discovery that a bout of anxiety (usually hidden from my consciousness) can result in three days of glucose upheaval. It’s often difficult for me to discern what exactly prompted the high glucose numbers, and I usually need to work backwards to figure out what caused the issue. A few…
My reason for doing this blog
I got a notification today that this site has reached 50 views! Incentive to add to my story. My reason for going public on what is a very private (lonely) matter is to reach others who may be suffering a similar fate. We all have emotions, and these emotions may be easily released while others…
Lovesick: My Journey Through Emotional Diabetes (an excerpt from a book in progress)
by Sandra McCulloch sandradianemcculloch(at)gmail.com Foreword When I turn forty-five, my doctor runs a series of mid-life blood tests. Everything comes back fine, except for the levels of glucose in the blood. I’m shocked to learn I’m diabetic. He says I have type 2 diabetes, where insulin resistance keeps blood glucose from getting from blood and…
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